Fainting Spells
by HaidarEyra
Summary: As Mal tries to deal with a job from Badger, the somewhat awkward couples on Serenity try to deal with an affliction that is making all of their lives even more complicated. Rating subject to change.
1. Diagnosis

**Disclaimer : I so wish this were mine. But sadly its not. Joss Whedon is the man!**

**Author's Note: Okay, so this is my first entry on this site. Actually, first fanfic ever, so I hope you guys like it. I just wrote it because I'm a dork who wanted to see more than what I got. Reviews are welcome. Don't worry about crushing my feelings. I tried to keep it in character as best I could, but we all make mistakes. By the way, I don't have a beta reader so the mistakes are 100% my fault. Tell me what you think!**

Inara's reaction to the news was very different from Kaylee's.

"You ching-wah TSAO duh liou mahng!" She shouted at Mal as Simon gave his diagnosis. "Hwan dun! You'd better bet your sorry little pi gu you won't get away with this!"

"Well I think it's just shiny!" Kaylee said, awkwardly walking over to 'Nara's side in an extremely baggy pair of overalls. "I mean, now your little son can play with our little girl!"

"Jien tah-duh guay it'll be a boy!" She screamed, pointing at Mal, exasperated as she spotted him cowering in a corner.

Having just shoved an overflowing mouthful of purplish protein into his face, chunks of it rained onto his shirt as Jayne commented dumbly. "Wait. So now 'Nara's preggo too? Man," looking between the two expecting couples, he took another munch of the protein bar, which is mounted on a dagger. Pointedly glancing at Simon and Mal, "y'all just don't know how to keep it in your pouch d'ye?" He puffed up his chest. "Now, take me f'r example, I always use-um-protection when I'm—"

"JAYNE!" They all screamed at the same time.

"I can't deal with this right now. If some of you gorram people don't get out of here soon, I will personally push this baby out, RIGHT NOW!" Inara shrieked, watching Mal dash out of the infirmary mumbling some excuse about checking on River, who was piloting. Jayne followed quickly after, not bothering to make an excuse as he covered his head and ran like Reavers were after him to his bunk. Locking the door, he studied its seams, as if the unborn baby might come tearing through the metal any second.

"Won't come for another 8 months, 14 days, 21 hours and 42 minutes. Technically improbable for you to be worrying about it now." The quiet, soprano voice echoed through his tiny room from behind him, and his head whipped around, relieved to see it was only his girl perched there. "Kaylee and da ge's child won't come for another 6 months, 29 days, 4 hours and 8 minutes."

Leaning against the wall, he ignored the "you're such a boob" look that River was giving him as she sat gracefully on his new, larger bed. (That had been hard to get without explaining his reasons to Mal.)

"Well, look who it is. The shiong-tsan sha-sho. You shoulda known better'n to sneak up on a trained merc like that, little Crazy. You might get yourself hurt." He threatened grinning lecherously at her, thinking of all the things he'd like to do to her.

"Bad boy. Thoughts so loud. Pushing pictures into my head…" She paused getting a dazed look in her wide eyes as he continued to daydream, purposefully throwing a few silent suggestions at her. "_That._ I want to try _that._"

"That's the one I'm leanin' towards, too." He pulled off his shirt and moved in her direction before hesitating. "Ain't nobody gonna be interruptin' us, now is there, girl?"

"Zoe asleep in her bunk, dreaming of Wash. Inara planning for her child with Kaylee. Simon is restocking medical supplies from last shipment. Mal is avoiding his pregnant girlfriend and piloting _Serenity_. No one will look for River for 4 hours, 25 minutes."

"Only 4 hours?" Jayne whined before pulling her tiny body into his arms and smiling lustily at her. "We'll have to work quickly, Crazy."

* * *

"Time's up." River whispered in Jayne's ear as he rested on the bed next to her.

"D'ye really havta leave? I gotta few more ideas in mind, iffin ya stay." Jayne drowsily offered, cradling her in bed against his chest.

"Mal has just recruited Simon to look for her. Will knock on your bunk door in 5 minutes, 32 seconds. The girl must be gone by then." She said nonchalantly. Reluctantly climbing out of the bed, River put on her boots and began to look for her skirt, which she located hanging from a hook on the bunk wall. Picking up his boxers, she tossed them to Jayne where he lay naked on the bed. "Answer the door in those. Brother will be appropriately disgusted." She giggled like a little girl, despite her twenty years of age.

In the three years since Miranda, a lot had changed, both on the ship and in River's mind. Jayne could still remember the beginning of their strange relationship.

"_I just don't gorram get why I havta get pussied up and leave Vera at home. Any o' y'all ever hearda a shot gun weddin'?" Jayne complained for the millionth time._

"_That's not what this is!" Simon defended. "Believe it or not, Kaylee and I genuinely want to marry each other. And I will not have guns at my wedding!"_

"_Gonna have to agree with Simon here, Jayne. Not lookin' for any trouble today. Kaylee'll have your pi gu if you start any." Mal interjected. "I've gotta go find 'Nara. She claims I ain't presentable!" He stormed out of the mess hall in his usual get-up, beat-up Browncoat and all. Before he reached the hallway he turned around, looking at his merc, "Besides, anything happens, Jayne, I've gotta plan."_

"_Oh, God, we're all going to die!" Simon prophecized apocalyptically. "I'm going to go find Kaylee. She's running around like crazy and the wedding's only in two hours."_

_No longer delaying the inevitable, Jayne climbed the ladder into his bunk, stripped, and began putting on the complex death trap that was a tuxedo. Leave it to that hun dan core bred pussy to insist on a formal wedding like the ones from Earth-that-was. "Thirty years of tying ties and I still can't gorram get it right!" He shouted, struggling with the slim black cloth._

"_The girl can provide assistance. Her father and brother often required similar aid." River, barefooted and clothed in a dress that looked like one of Inara's more modest ensembles, descended the ladder as she spoke her piece._

"_Don't need your help, Crazy. Your moonbrain'll probably just tie it as a noose around my neck." He rejected, though didn't struggle as she grabbed both of the ends. Working swiftly and close to his neck, he once again was struck by how fine of a young woman she'd turned into._

"_Your heart rate is elevated as the girl moves closer, and your thoughts are on the pleasures of her body." Nonchalantly as she said this, Jayne desperately hoped that no one was listening outside, or he would find himself having a date with the airlock much sooner than he'd like. "She has similar feelings. Will require courtship before copulating, however."_

"_C-cop-u-ula—what?" Jayne stuttered, bewildered. "Gorram it, girl! Stop reading my mind, its creepifying'!"_

"_Copulating, sexing, to engage in intercourse. And I am not reading your mind, fong luh, your thoughts are projecting themselves into my mind." Finishing the tie, she pulled it tight, even though he immediately loosened it. Exiting his bunk she added, in an almost perfect imitation of his voice, "Stop thinking so gorram loud, crazy!"_

The pounding on the bunk door was enough to wake the dead, which often was needed, as Jayne had proved long ago that he could sleep through an Alliance attack. "Gorram it! Whatsa guy gotta do to get some sleep 'round here!" Jayne bellowed, climbing the same ladder that River had scampered up a few minutes before. Pulling himself into the hallway, he caught the disgusted look on Simon's face that River had told him about as the doctor surveyed the merc's revealing clothes. Grinning dirtily, Jayne turned to Mal. "Somethin' the matter?"

"The good, ole doctor here is a mite worried about our Lil Albatross. Seems she's not where she's s'posed to be. You don't happen to have a hankerin' of where she might be, now do ya?" Mal questioned in his usual I-am-the-captain-hear-me-roar voice.

"How would I gorram know where she is?" Jayne cried, in his best attempt at sounding exasperated. "Give the gorram crazy girl full run of the ship'n expect me ta keep an eye on-!"

"Simon! I found 'er!" Kaylee's chipper voice echoed down the hallway as she inelegantly walked up to her husband and the others, followed by a dancing River who, Jayne noticed, had had the sense to change into a new set of clothes.

"Mei mei!" Simon said, relieved. "Where were you?" River, playing the picture perfect crazy girl, continued dancing to the bridge, probably to go take over the piloting.

Kaylee, seeing the look of confusion on her beloved's face, answered sweetly. "She was just in her bunk. Didn't someone think to look there? I tell you Simon, for such a _shwee_ title as you got, you sure can be dumb sometimes." Smiling her usual Kaylee smile, the pregnant woman, starting to feel the weight of the baby, slightly waddled away, probably to the mess.

At that moment, Zoe, in her soldier-like grace, emerged from the bridge and called out to Mal. "Gotta wave sir. It's from Badger. Says he's got a job for us."

"God, I hate that hwan dan. Let me talk to him. How far are we from Persephone?"

"Only about four hours sir, we were passing by when they waved us." Zoe replied.

Sighing, Mal headed to the bridge, and, without turning around, ordered. "Jayne, for god's sakes put some clothes on. It's time for work."

* * *

Chinese Translations:

ching-wah TSAO duh liou mahng – frog humping son of a bitch

Jien tah-duh guay – like hell

da ge – big brother

shiong-tsan sha-sho – ass kicking killer

pi gu – ass or butt

fong luh – loopy in the head

Mei mei – little sister, little one

Shwee – fancy or handsome

hwan dan – bastard

* * *

**Chapter 1: Diagnosis**


	2. The Most Stubborn Man in the 'Verse

**Disclaimer: I owe it all to Joss.**

**Author's Note: Okay, so here's the next chapter in Fainting Spells. Hope y'all are enjoying it and I want to say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone who reviewed it or added it to their favorites or added it to their alerts. You all made me so happy. Remember that reviews and critiques are always welcome. Sorry it took so long. Sorry if the next one takes even longer, but its November now which means Nanowrimo. Anyway, enjoy!**

**Chapter 2: The Most Stubborn Man in the 'Verse**

"Jayne, you got the mule loaded up? Don't wanta be caught unawares if Badger tries ta pull a fast one on us." Mal dictated, walking around the cargo bay giving petty orders while avoiding doing anything himself."Kaylee, that mule'll run, right? You patched her up all nice and pretty?"

"Pretty as she can be, Cap'n. But more importantly she'll hold ya." Kaylee flashed her optimistic smile as she wiped the grease off her brow and rubbed her stomach in a habitual way.

"Good. Doc, you're sister ready to go?"

"She is lucid today, but, Mal, I really must express once again the fact that my sister is **not a weapon**." Simon argued, though he knew it was futile. River had gone on almost every job since Miranda, and Mal hadn't forced her to go on a single one. It was her choice.

"The girl will be fine, da ge. Worry only increases susceptibility. Be aware." River's soprano voice emphasized as she came up behind the two men. "'Shoot to kill. Kick to hurt. Don't jump off the mule.' She remembers all the rules they taught her. 'It's okay to leave them to die.'"

"I'll vote for the no one's gonna die option. Why don't either of you trust the plan?" Mal said, oblivious to the fact that Jayne had began to complain about the fact that every time they tried to follow one of Mal's plans, someone ended up wounded. He was, however, aware that River had dissolved into a fit of giggles. Spreading her arms wide, the young girl spun around in dizzying circles, chanting "Ring around Serenity, nothing can catch me. I am the mother bird, I protect my herd."

"Did you say she was lucid today?" Mal questioned Simon, after watching this vomit-inducing activity for a few minutes.

"She…appeared to be lucid earlier, I don't understand—!"

"Oh, hell. I'm gonna be sick!" Inara, having just entered the cargo bay to this sickening scene, dashed back out the door holding one hand to her mouth and the other to her stomach. For once playing the role of the appropriately concerned and brave boyfriend, Mal ran up the stairs and followed her.

She had run into the shuttle that had previously been her's to relieve herself of her morning sickness. It had been her's before Mal had insisted that she quit her job as a Compassion and live in his bunk. He had been very insistent in his demands.

_She had known Mal would become protective of her once she came back to live on his ship. It was obvious the way he felt towards her, and she reciprocated those feelings secretly. She had known the difficulties their complicated relationship would face. She had known it wouldn't be easy._

_She hadn't known it was going to be impossible._

Looking back on it now with pleasure, Inara knew that she should have realized what falling in love with one of the most stubborn men in the 'verse would truly entail.

"_That's it, 'Nara!" Mal had announced in his best Captain voice one day when they were together. The two of them were alone in her shuttle, with all of their clothes still on, something Mal considered impressive considering they were in a Companion's home. "It's time for you to retire."_

"_What?" She shrieked, jumping up from the couch they were seated on. "You can't be serious, Mal!"_

"_Of course I'm serious!" Mal exploded, throwing his hands up in the air._

"_Mal! You have jobs about as often as I have clients, and I am not asking you to give up your life as a p—as a thief even though I do not wholeheartedly approve! Our relationship does not affect your work, and therefore, it should not affect mine." Sitting down, Inara prided herself on the logical argument she had just given Malcolm Reynolds._

"_Yes, but do I go out and sexed by another girl every time I've gotta job?" Mal replied sharply._

"_Mal, you cannot…oh. __**Oh.**__" Inara repeated, thinking for a minute of what it must be like to be Mal in these situations._

Inara smiled briefly, thinking of how surprisingly easy it had been settling into life without her profession. Though Lord knows Mal never made it easier.

"'Nara? You all right, darling?" Mal called, running into the shuttle. Seeing her bended over a toilet retching, he moved to hold her hair and stroke her back, trying to figure out what the best thing to say right now was. "There, there." He said lamely, for loss of anything else to say.

"I blame you for this, Malcolm Reynolds. This is all your fault."

"All my fault? I seem to recollect you having some parttin this, too, 'Nara. I'm pretty sure I didn't knock you up by standin outside your door begging you to let me in. There was some cooperation there." Mal denied, slipping easily from awkward comforter to witty opponent. "Anyway, I've been…um…thinking…Verena."

"Verena." Inara repeated, an extremely annoyed, questioning look in her eyes as she finished puking, stood up straight and brushed herself off. Walking over to a desk drawer she withdrew something and sprayed a liquid several times in her mouth. Probably killing the stench.

"Verena. For our little girl. Verena. It just has a nice ring to it. River says it means truthful in Latin. Verena or Melina. You can choose." Mal looked like he couldn't decide whether it would be better to look embarrassed or proud over his outburst. He went for an awkward combination of both. Inara, suddenly feeling much better, broke into a wide smile over his uncertainty. He smiled nervously back, afraid of her reaction. She pulled him close to her and wrapped her arms around his waist.

"Verena it is. If it happens to be a boy, it will be mighty unhappy, but Verena is a good name." She whispered to him, smiling.

Looking relieved he put his arms around her. "It won't be a boy. We can name her Verena Malcolm Reynolds." He kissed the top of her head and chuckled, holding her close.

Laughter in her countenance, she looked up at him and replied innocently and truthfully, "I will kill you if you name our child that."


	3. Learning the Steps

**Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, I love you for creating this.**

**A/N: I am SO SORRY to all of you who have been waiting for updates. I know, I suck. Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry. Do you still love me? There's a teeny bit more Rayne in this one, and the plot thickens, so I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter Three: Learning the Steps**

"You see, Malcolm Reynolds. I've said it before." Badger rambled in his English accent. Straightening is dirty tie, he swaggered around the dingy desk that was his work space. "I don't like the way you look at me."

"Just tell us 'bout this job a yours." Mal sighed.

Badger smiled slyly and said, "Just a routine job. Some settlers on Kigira got an extra shipment of Alliance medical supplies. I want that shipment."

"Fine. What's in it for me and mine?" Mal replied, gesturing to the bulky merc on his left and his number two on his right. River was somewhere behind him, Jayne ordered to keep a constant eye on her.

"Standard pay. Nuthin' fancy." Badger answered in his fancy accent, bored with this whole interaction.

"We'll take it." Mal stated curtly.

"Oh, and try not to get your ass caught by the gorram law this time." Badger sat back in his chair, turning his apple peeler and waited for Malcolm Reynolds and his three sidekicks to leave his office.

"I hate that man." Mal stated once his little group was safely out of Badger's lair.

"He has similar feelings towards you. The girl could sense his dislike of you, though it was mixed with amusement." River commented, practically dancing as they walked to the mule. "He thinks-!" Turning to ask why she wasn't continuing, Mal saw River doubled over in a position he had seen way too many times already today, and was met with the sound of wet retching. "What's the matter, Little One?" He said rushing over to where she stood, wiping at her mouth. Jayne was already there, looking uncertain and disgusted, yet strangely worried.

"He thinks it is fun to mess with you. To screw with your brains." She giggled suddenly, a high pitched sound. "Maybe you'll end up like Little Crazy girl!" After than, she did a swift flip, landing like a cat on the mule and sat down to wait for them to join her.

"Lucid. The Doc said she was gorram lucid." Mal muttered, walking to the driver's side of the mule and climbing in. "I'm gonna have me a talk with that luh suh when we get back to my ship!"

* * *

"Doc, you gotta sec?" Mal called, not waiting for an answer as he entered the medical bay and closed the doors.

"Is something the matter, Mal? I thought, for once, that today's excursion had gone according to plan." Simon questioned, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

"Doc, it was only a meetin with Badger today. No plan." Mal quickly explained.

Simon drew a deep breath and nodded his head, "Well that explains why there are no wounds."

Mal nodded for a second before looking at Simon like he was insulted. "My plans are always mighty fine. The bad guys just don't like to go along with 'em!" He defended. "Anyway, there was one little problem today."

"And what was that?" Simon smiled, unworried as he looked for a certain bottle in one of the numerous medicine cabinets.

"Lil Albatross decided to puke her guts out and then went right back to being her fong luh self." Mal exclaimed as Simon dropped what he was holding and turned towards the Captain. "I'm guessin you didn't know about her sudden upchuck tendencies."

"No. I mean, it could be a side affect of the drugs I've been administering to her. The combination of certain chemicals could be a strain on her gag reflex. Perhaps if I lowered the amount of treatment to 3.5 milliliters it would—"

"Aaaagh! I don't care for all the fancy little details. Just fix it." Mal ordered, opening the med bay doors again and walking out them. On his way up the stairs, he called out so Simon could hear, "If I die cause your sister decided to toss her lunch into some bushes, I'm going to come back and haunt your sorry pi gu!"

* * *

"Mei mei?" The Doc asked, gently shaking River awake. "Mei mei, are you all right? You never sleep here." He stroked her hair, playing the role of a doting brother trying to keep his sister sane perfectly. "And Mal informed me that you got sick on your trip today."

"Da ge will make a good father. Dotes on sister like he will dote on child. Kaylee did well." River mumbled, yawning as she sat up. "Technical construction of furniture such as this is not fit for unconscious uses." She paused frowning at the look of confusion on her brother's countenance. "It's uncomfortable." She clarified.

"River, why are you sleeping here in the first place? Are you sick? Perhaps I should bring you down to the infirmary and run a few tests." Simon proposed, laying his hand on her forehead.

"No! Blue hands, white walls! Don't make me go back there, Simon! Save me!" River cried, clutching her head between her hands and curling into a ball. "They play with brains, make them into toys. Don't make me go back."

Simon gently removed her hands from her head, making a mental note about the dose percentage he had been giving her lately. Clearly it was not working all the time. "Mei mei. I'm not trying to make you go back." She whimpered. "Listen, River, it's me. It's Simon. I will never let them hurt you again. You will never go back."

"Simon." She whispered, looking into his eyes as he kneeled in front of her. "The girl is okay now." Carefully, she moved her hands away from her head, looking as if she was fighting to maintain control of her own body. "Kaylee is looking for you. She requires your immediate assistance. Don't worry, she's fine. She's in your bunk." River informed, knowing it was the quickest way to get away from her brother. He would never abandon his family when they needed him and at this moment Kaylee definitely needed his help. "Hormones are raging. Doubts in her head. Thoughts are being thought. Go to her."

Rushing off to find his wife, Simon didn't notice his sister slipping from the family area into the passage to the cargo bay.

* * *

She knew _he_ was there. Heard the pulsing rhythm that made his heart so musical. Heard the soft grunts as he stressed his muscles, keeping himself in shape. Up and down and up and down and up and down until he got tired.

She sat silently in a corner, hidden behind a crate of supplies, just listening to him. Up and down. Up and down.

The rhythm calmed her. She knew it by heart and sometimes, if she concentrated hard enough, she could hear the full symphony of sounds that made up Jayne Cobb.

Up and Down. Breathe. Up and Down. Breathe. Bu-bump. Bu-bump. Up. Bu-bump. Down. Bu-bump. Breathe.

It was such a meticulous yet casual process that it reminded her of her dancing. Without realizing it, she began imagining the ballet steps to the rhythm. Her feet moved without instruction and without shoes, relying simply on years of practice to perfect the steps. _Pirouette. Plie. Batterie. Avant. A couple triple steps and finish off with a foutette rond de jambe tournant._ Again and again.

She didn't realize when the up and downs stopped and left only an orchestra of nonchalant breathing and slow heart rates.

"What in the gorram 'verse are you doin', Crazy?" Jayne finally asked, mopping up his sweat and looking as if he thought she actually _were _crazy.

"Being insane. They think of her and so she is." River cryptically replied, smiling as she began to spin in endless circles. "Heartbeat calms the demons. Makes them feel at home. Stops them from talking so loudly in her ears."

"What?" Jayne asked, stupidly trying to piece together what she'd said. "You mean…" His face lit up with understanding before dissolving back into confusion. "My heart is like hell?"

She dissolved into giggles over his misinterpretation.

"Heart like hell and better in red, clothed in fire."

"Gorram it, girl, don't ya even think about tryin' ta light me on fire!" He exclaimed, worrying over her gibberish. Getting up from where he previously rested on the weight bench, he walked over to her and wrapped her loosely in his arms. "You all right, girl? You're kinda speakin' Crazy-talk again."

"Overload of voices. Mighty crowded in here." She tapped her skull and put her hand over his heart. Her head filled completely with the unique beating of his chest, the thumping rhythm that always calmed her down. "Better now. Only one noise to listen to. Bu-bump. Bu-bump. Bu-bu-bump. Every time. Safe. Home. Yet irregular. You should have that looked at." She smiled and stood on her tiptoes to kiss him lightly on the mouth before dancing away.

"I'm confused again." Jayne said to the empty cargo bay.


	4. Brothers and Sisters

**A/N: Okay, guys this is a short one. When I was writing it, I couldn't decide whether or not it was out of character, so I NEED REVIEWS. To everyone who reviewed/added to story alert or all that jazz, thank you. You make me feel like I'm not just a dorky failure! YAY! Anyways, here's some insight into what Jayne deals with in the relationship and a li'l bit of cuteness. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, you are my hero. I love you.**

* * *

**Chapter 4: Brothers and Sisters**

River sensed Jayne from across the ship. He was in someone else's bunk. Kaylee and Simon's. He never went into another person's cabin unless it was necessary. Hated it. What was he doing?

It wasn't that she didn't trust him, it was just that he had made it clear that he would get trim almost anywhere he could find it. And he and Kaylee had been on the ship together long before she had come into the picture. "It's utterly ridiculous. They would never." She chanted to herself over and over, curled into a ball as she rocked back and forth. That was the position Simon found her in when he walked into the bunk passageway.

"Mei mei…what's the matter? River, what's wrong, River?" Simon gushed, running over to where his sister was huddling on the floor.

"They stripped her brain. Made her incomplete. Can't love someone if they don't know what love is. Two by two didn't love. The others love. Not her. She can't. Not really. She'd have to be human to love." River explained, her face strangely calm as tears flowed uncontrollably down her cheeks.

"River? Mei mei, why don't you come with me to the infirmary? Maybe I can help." Simon urged, pulling her up next to him and guiding her down the hallway.

"Simon. She's sick."

"Yes, mei mei, I know. Mal told me that you got sick on the job the other day."

"Reoccurance is an issue. Timing is inconvenient and unexpected." River rambled. Simon looked at her like she really was crazy before she clarified. "It's happening again." He still looked confused. "_Now._"

"What, Riv—oh, it's happening now. Wait, just hold it in, wait!" He broke into a run, pulling her along behind him to the infirmary where he quickly shoved a clean bedpan to her face. "Here." As if on cue, River barfed into it.

"Eew." She winced. "Gross." Simon hurriedly took the bedpan away, sanitizing it in one of the infirmary's giant sinks.

"River, is there something wrong with your medicine? I could try lowering it further, but I really thought you had seemed to be getting better." Simon looked at her, concern in his eyes.

"I don't take my medication anymore, Simon." She revealed in a moment of perfect clarity.

"Riv—" he began.

"They fog up her engine, make it stop working right. She-_I_ can't think. Can't see. They blind me to the thoughts, the sounds, the feelings. They make me into a machine. I want to be human again."

"Mei mei—" He began again.

"No. I won't take them, Simon. You can't make me." And, with that, she kissed him on the cheek, skipping out of the infirmary to relieve Captain of his flying duties.

* * *

Jayne was emerging from Kaylee and Simon's quarters, still thinking over what he had just seen and done, when River spotted him. She sank into the wall, trying to become one with the ship. She felt more tears drip down her face, thinking back to the minutes where Simon had found her.

He would have never known she was there if a little sob hadn't escaped her lips.

"Hey, there, girlie. Whatcha doin'?" He stood close to her, the shadow of his figure hiding the tears on her cheeks. Only when she sobbed again did he dip his head down to her level. "Riv, wha's wrong?" She just shook her head.

He grabbed her hand, glancing anxiously at Mal's back in the pilot's chair, before quietly pulling River to and into his bunk. Once there, he wrapped his arms around her, burrowing his face in her hair.

"Riv, wha's goin' on?" He questioned, his arms caressing her rigid back as she stood unmoving in his embrace. "I ain' a mind-reader or nuthin', darlin'. You gotta tell me wha's wrong." He pulled back, cradling her head in his hands as he forced her to make eye contact with him.

"The man with the girl's name was in Kaylee's bunk." She said, finally, but that was her only explanation.

"Yeh. S'what?" He looked at her, blinking in confusion.

"So, there was imminent probability of copulation and adultery." Jayne just stared at her blankly.

"Yah think I cheated?" He guessed, looking offended. "Riv-girl, I ain't touched 'nuther girl since I've been with yah. Yah know that."

"She doesn't know that. He doesn't like it when she—_I _look in his head. His explanation is necessary instead." River sniffled, but relaxed against his chest, keeping her eyes on his.

"River, I didn' cheat on yah. I gotta wave from home an' yah broke th' cortex in my room last night. Kaylee was on the bridge an' offered her's."

"A wave from home?"

"Yeh, my brother's sick. Ma thinks he's gettin' worse. Tha' was my sister Lilly tellin' me to stop home the next chance I got."

"A wave from home?" She repeated, trying to process.

"Yeh, a wave from home, moonbrain." He smiled down at her and kissed her forehead. "Yah went all crazy o'er nuthin'. Yah shoulda known I wouldna cheated on yah. I may be cop-u—cop—_ruttin'_ with yah, but I still know yah can kill me with that brain o' yers iffen I touch anuther girl."

"And this girl would refuse other men as well. She likes her girly man." She wrapped her arms around his neck and her ankles latched around his waist.

"Girly man? Oh, yer gonna pay fer that, crazy."


	5. Two Girly Men

**A/N: Okay, guys, are you ready? Here's Chapter 5: Two Girly Men. Sorry it's been a few days, but I've been working on one shots, unofficially beta-ing my friend's awesome story and oh, that little thing called "reality" got in the way too. So overrated. :P I might not be able to update for a little while because of crazy parents and siblings and family get-togethers. Ugh. Don't they know I have better things to do than clean? Like, I don't know, write more fanfiction! By the way, I know that Kigira is not actually a "registered planet" in the 'Verse. Yes, I made it up. If you know particulars about Firefly geography, let's just say its somewhere around the Red Sun system. It's sandwiched between Harvest and Triumph and Silverhold. And let's pretend that Jayne is from another made up planet in the same area called Iaceli. Cause I want him to be and it's never actually mentioned. And this is an updated version, so if you're reading this for the second time, you'll notice a few changes. Thank you, RevDorothyL, for your awesome review and pointing out my numerous flaws. Critiques are always appreciated. **

**P.S. If I'm rambling on and making no sense, it's cause I'm writing this at 2:17 AM. That's how much I love you guys! 3**

**Disclaimer: Joss Whedon is the controller of this series, the most amazing arc of X-men ever, and my mind.**

* * *

**Chapter 5: Two Girly Men**

"We ain't got that kinda time, Jayne." Mal insisted, ducking his head as he entered the mess hall for dinner.

"C'mon, Mal. I haven't been back in years. Ma's startin' to think I've got some kinda ty-rant Captain or somethin'." Jayne whined, following behind Mal from the bridge. Both men sat in their usual chairs around the crowded table as Kaylee dished food to everyone.

"I'll take that "or somethin'" part cause there ain't no way you're visitin' this time around." Mal announced, wearing his 'I'm-the-Captain-hear-me-roar' face. "We need yah here for the job. You can go back home some other day. Why're you so set on going home all of a sudden, anyways?"

Shoveling purple protein in his mouth, Jayne mumbled. "Mah brother's sick. Gotta go see 'im. May not make it til some other day." He never once looked up from the repulsing dinner, not liking revealing his personal life, but he knew it was the only way Mal would ever let him go.

He was right. Mal shut up for a minute, a rare occurrence, before sighing and relenting. "Fine. I'll drop yah in yer hometown the day before the job. Don't really need yah anyways. I'll just take the doc instead. It's about time he learned how to use a gun."

Jayne sighed with relief, chuckling at Simon's objections to Mal's new plan. He was so happy that when River stole a biscuit off of his plate, he barely managed a half-hearted "Gorram it, Crazy!" before quickly devouring the rest of the soupy paste in his bowl.

"Yah can go on one condition, Jayne." Mal announced, turning back to the suddenly still merc.

"Wha's that?"

"Yah gotta watch li'l Albatross here fer the day while we're out on the job." He pointed to River as he spoke and she looked up as she guiltily pulled apart the biscuit she had stolen from Jayne. She smiled innocently at him, and he gave a small smile back before returning his gaze to his hired gun.

"What? Mal!" Simon and Jayne shouted at the same time, before looking at each other in a mix of bewilderment and disgust. Simon was the first to recover.

"Mal, you can't be serious! I mean, given their…_history_…do you really think it would be a good idea to leave them alone together?" The doctor objected loudly, gesturing furiously with his hands as he spoke.

"Mal!" Jayne joined in, partly for show, but partly in pure concern. His hometown wasn't any Core-bred luxury like River was used to, like River _deserved._ Fact was, women like his girl didn't even step within the planet's orbit. Not that she couldn't defend herself. Jien tah-duh guay, she'd proved she could defend herself. "C'mon, Mal! Don't stick me with Crazy! She'll jus' get in the way an' try to slice me up agen. 'Sides, I doubt the folks on Iaceli would take kindly to havin' some moonbrain rub soup in ther hair. Don't yah need 'er on the job, anyways?"

"Bizui! One at a time! Now doc, Ariel was a long time ago, and I think Jayne knows what'll happen to 'im iffen he tries somethin' like that again, dong ma? And Jayne, Lil Albatross has been getting more'n a mite better since Miranda an' iffen you keep an eye on her then she won't have the time to rub soup or slice, now will she. 'Sides, job's not particularly dangerous. Wasn't planning on usin' her skills anyways. Simon an' Zoё'll handle our protection, I'll make the deal, Kaylee's flyin' Serenity and 'Nara's gonna get us inside that community on Kigira with her reputation. No one else has the time ta watch River."

"Mal!" Simon and Jayne shouted again. They both had to try one more time.

"Doc! Yer part a this crew, which means yah hold yer own. On the battlefield _and_ in the infirmary. Time you learned. Jayne! Yah'll either take 'Tross with yah, or yah won't be goin' at all."

* * *

"Get us to Kigira, Kaylee." Mal ordered through the comm from the cargo bay as he shut the airlock doors.

"Shiny, Cap'n."

* * *

Down below them, watching Serenity sail away, Jayne stood with River tucked under his arm, quickly surveying the area with one hand on Vera. Turning, he trudged toward a tiny town of grubby houses at the top of a sandy hill. Home sweet home, he thought, approaching the town.

"Geographically unstable. High pressure altitude causes changes in atmosphere, makes the ground move." River mumbled behind him, staring at the village. Jayne paused to look at her, confusion clearly written on his face before he made sense of her words. "Yeh. Winds carries th' sand. Gotta rebuild every few years. We jus' gotta stop there for a few minutes ta rent a mule out ta th' house."

"Moving houses!" She nearly screamed, giggling and throwing her arms around him. "So beautiful!" For the first time since they'd arrived on this sorry, dirty excuse for a planet, he smiled down at her.

"Yah really think so?"

"Your worries are unnecessary. She didn't like Core planets. Ran away from them. She—_I _like sorry, dirty excuses for planets. More character, more freedom." She gave him one of those big smiles that she saved only for him.

"Glad ya like it, darlin'." He snickered, leading her up the rest of the hill, the duffel bag containing their stuff slung over his shoulder.

"I'll take a two-person mule fer two days." He ordered the woman behind the train station-esque desk from Earth-that-was, slapping an adequate stack of credits on the counter. River smiled as the blonde, curvy woman obviously tried to flirt with Jayne, and he continually ignored her, staring the back the way they had come with a look of vague familiarity. She wandered a few feet to a supply store, looking through the window at the shop's supply of guns. She was there, her nose pressed up against the glass when a looming man exited the store.

All Jayne heard was River's voice whispering, "There's two of them." From somewhere behind him. Spinning around, he was greeted by the sight of River latched on to some slightly smaller man's arm, grinning up at him. Jayne could only see his back.

Before the other man even had a chance to react, Jayne had ripped River from his arm, swung him around and punched him in the face so hard that he dropped the bag he was holding and fell to the ground. Stopping for a second to check any broken bones, and finding a bloody nose, the stranger quickly rebounded, taking a swipe at Jayne's legs that he just barely dodged. Jayne grabbed River's arm, gently but forcefully pushing her behind him, out of the line of fire. Meanwhile, the man had regained his footing and was swinging an arm in the merc's direction. Jayne caught his fist and was about to kick the other man painfully in the ribcage when he heard him gasp, "Jayne!"

"Erinn? Erinn!" Serenity's hired gun shouted, releasing the other man and embracing him quickly in a brotherly hug.

"What the guay are yah doin' here?" The other man asked, returning the embrace before breaking apart and looking the bigger man up and down.

"Mah Cap'n had some work on Kigira an' Ma sent me a wave about Matty a few days ago. Thought I'd stop by." He explained, giving the smaller man a similar look-over.

A small voice said from behind him, "There's two of them." Reaching blindly behind his back, he caught a hold of River's wrist and gently brought her to his side. "River, this here's mah brother, Erinn. Erinn, this is my girl, River."

"Sibling relation explains uncanny illusion of two." Erinn just stared, his mouth open slightly and a quizzical look on his face.

"She means we look alike." Jayne explained, wrapping an arm around her waist. "She talks fancy-like sometimes. Yah'll get used to it."

"Pleasure to meet yah, ma'am." Erinn smiled, recovering quickly and stretching out his hand to shake.

"She's pleased to meet you, too. Girly man doesn't say much about his family." She shook his hand awkwardly, not used to such polite contact.

Erinn was confused again.

Jayne just groaned. "Are we back to that agen, Moonbrain? What'd I tell you?"

"Jayne is a girl's name." She insisted.

"And Jayne's not a girl." Erinn looked positively clueless. Jayne just mouthed "I'll explain it to yah later."

"Come to think of it," River suddenly said, a pondering look on her face. "The name Erinn has certain effeminate connotations as well."

"What?" both men burst.

River gave them her patented you're-being-a-boob face before answering.

"Erinn is also a girl's name."

* * *

**Chinese Translations**

Jien tah-duh guay = Like hell!

Bizui = Shut up!

Guay = hell


	6. Flying Fists

**Disclaimer: I'm not a redheaded male over forty. Sadly that means I'm not Joss. I own nothing.**

**A/N: Sorry this took so long guys, and there's not too much mushy fluff in this one, but hey, maybe the next chapter! (Actually yeah, now that I think about it, there WILL be mush next chapter. Hold on, fellow fluff-lovers!) And this chapter is definitely not as epic as it sounds... Still totally unbeta'd and running off your Reviews so THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! To everybody who took the time to press the blue (purple?) little button at the bottom and share their thoughts. And of course I'd never forget all those people who added me to their subscription/favorites list. Love you people!**

* * *

**Chapter 6: Flying Fists, Kind-Hearted Interrogation and A Bottle**

"So yah've got yerself a girl." Erinn began, looking to his older brother as they loaded bales of hay onto the family carriage. River was off trying to convince the mule rental girl to give them a refund.

"Yeh, so wha?" Jayne mumbled in answer, continuing his work.

Erinn stopped what he was doing. "Wha's wrong wi' 'er?" He asked, with about as much tact as Jayne himself. Perhaps a little more.

"Nuthin'. She jus' gets confused sometimes. Talks weird 'r gets upset." Erinn was looking at him strangely. "Wha?"

"Nuthin'. Jus' never pinned yah fer one ta take ta a feng leh girl."

Erinn didn't see the fist flying at his face until it was too late.

"She's not feng leh!" Jayne glared icily down at his brother. Erinn wisely chose to shut up, kept quiet even when River came back, twirling in a circle and giggling. Even when she got sick to her stomach right on Jayne's shoes. Even when Jayne held her hair until she was done and made sure she was allright. Even when Jayne looked at her, eyes full of love and muttered "Tha's whatcha get fer spinnin' in circles all the time, Crazy." Even when Jayne lifted her onto the loaded carriage, among bales of hay. Even when she commented, "Just because she called herself a mother bird does not mean she was overwhelmed by the urge to nest." Even when Jayne jokingly snapped back "Yeh, yeh, yeh. Jus' sit down 'fore ya fall out an' break somethin'."

In fact, Erinn shut up for a lot of the ride home, preferring to watch the odd couple instead.

* * *

Mary Cobb was waddling around the front yard of her ranch, attempting to do chores with one child attached to each leg and another one clinging to her apron. "Too many kids." The weary, yet beautiful woman commented warmly, smiling down at her three youngest.

"Erinn back yet?" Lilly, her oldest child asked, cradling her own child in her bronze arms.

"Nah, swear yah can't send that boy ta town without 'im gettin' distracted by fifteen diff'rent things. Some days I 'spect him to come back with a stray dog 'r somethin'."

"How's about stray people?" Lilly replied, staring into the distance up the dirt road at her brother, quickly approaching in the family carriage. He had at least one more person than he had left the ranch that morning with.

"Oh, wo de ma!" Mary exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air before letting them rest on her hips as she waited for her son. Lilly chucked. For all her bluster, the oldest girl had never seen her Ma turn down anything that needed a helping hand.

"Wait," Lilly's younger sister, Tommi, burst out, coming out of the house behind them. "Is that…is that Jayne?" No one moved. Even the little ones, the baby stopped fussing.

"Guay." Mary whispered, her oldest son's face coming into view. He was smiling at them.

Before the carriage even stopped, he jumped down and pulled Mary into his arms. "Hiya, Ma."

She slapped him.

"Yah leave with no notice, then barely write an' now yah just show up outta nowhere?" She angered, contradicting herself as she gently checked the newly rising bump on Jayne's cheek.

"Aw, c'mon, Ma!" Jayne whined, rubbing the red handprint on his face. Suddenly Mary sighed and opened her arms. "C'mere yah idiot boy." Around his tight embrace, she asked Erinn, "Where'd yah find 'im?"

"He was jus' in town."

"Getting' ready ta come out here on mah own. Got mah Cap'n tah drop us off fer a few days ta visit." He released Ma, turning to Lilly and playing with her baby, embracing her for a second. Knowing his petite twenty year old sister well, despite not seeing her since she was five, he opened his arms and she took a running jump into them.

Meanwhile, Ma raised an eyebrow. "Us?"

"Yeh." He smiled, putting Tommi down and pecking her on the top of the head. "Me an'…where'd she gorram go?" He shouted, head whipping from side to side as he panicked. Erinn just rolled his eyes.

"She's still in th' carriage, Jayne." Erinn sighed, sauntering over to Lilly and stroking her daughter.

"Oh." Jayne lumbered over to the carriage. "C'mon, bao bei, time to come out now."

"Loud." She was referring to their thoughts.

"I know. Jus' try ta block it out like ya can sometimes. Iffen it gets too much, we can leave."

"Okay, help me up." Jayne lifted her out of her nest by the waist, placing her on the ground in front of him. He put his arm around her and led her back to his gaping family. Only Erinn had kept his wits about him.

"River, this is my Ma an' my sisters Lilly an' Tommi. Ma, Lilly, Tommi, this is my girl, River." Jayne quickly introduced, trying to judge everyone's reactions and failing miserably.

"Familial resemblance accumulates and originates in this one." She pointed at Ma and looked up at the two sons. While everyone looked at her like she was feng luh, Jayne nodded.

"Yeh, we all look like Ma, with jus' a little of our Das thrown in."

"It's a pleasure to meet you." River said finally after an awkward pause, beaming at the three other girls. Ma quickly shut her mouth and replied.

"An' it's shiny ta meet ya, too. Jayne doesn't talk about the crew much when he writes, though I reckon," she gave a pointed look to her son while she shook River's hand, "he coulda at least told us about yah."

"C'mon, Ma." Jayne complained. "Even the Cap'n don't know 'bout me an' her."

"Huh," Ma answered, flicking her gaze between them. "Inneresting."

* * *

Being back home apparently meant doing the chores. And doing pretty much every single one of them. He and Erinn wrangled horses from the fields, fixed fences, gathered chicken eggs, gathered firewood and did just about every other job there is to do on a ranch. Jayne thought maybe Ma was specifically getting him out of the way so she could have some alone time with River. He just hoped his little Crazy would be okay by herself for a little while. Hoped that Ma wouldn't latch onto her and interrogate her…

"So where'd ya grow up?" Mary Cobb asked, moving about the kitchen as River wandered around looking at the still photos on the walls.

"Osiris."

"Oh, zhu fu ni. Long way from here. Why'd ya leave?"

"Too organized and restricted. She—_I_ wanted to be free. My brother and I have a good life on Serenity."

"Ya've got a brother on board?"

"Yes, he is the ship's medic. He is the main reason Jayne and I are not public about our relationship. Him and Mal."

"The Cap'n wouldn' approve?"

"He still thinks I am a child, a baby chick."

"About that…" Ma let her voice fade as she tried to find a way to phrase the question she had been wondering about since Jayne pulled her out of the carriage.

"I am 21." River announced, turning to the woman, sensing her inner turmoil. "Of proper age for piloting, drinking and engaging in sexual intercourse with whomever I choose."

"Ah, so you an' mah Jayne 're…"

"Engaging in sexual intercourse. Yes."

"An' he's treatin' ya right?"

"She looks into his soul and sees love there."

"He mentioned ya was a Reader earlier. Don't think mah boy'd take kindly ta havin' his mind read an' shared about."

"I don't have to read his mind, Mary Cobb, I can see it in his eyes."

Mary Cobb smiled a genuine smile for the first time in the conversation. "Ah, ain't that shiny. Call me Ma, dear. Ev'rybody does. And what do ya do on the ship, ya say yer brother's a medic?"

"Yes, he was trained as a surgeon on Osiris and Mal has an affinity for injuring himself. He tends to get shot at. I do very much the same thing Jayne does, but Mal only uses me when he needs an extra hand." River cautiously replied, unsure as to what Jayne had told them about Mal's style of work. At that moment, though, right when Ma opened her mouth to comment, there was a noise from upstairs.

It was a cross between a Reaver's growling and what River imagined wet flesh slapping together sounded like. Ma just sighed and turned to the counter.

"River, dear. Mattie's coughin' upstairs an' Jayne's out in th' far field. Would yah mind brinin' Matty his medicine for me? I've got some things ta take care of 'fore dinner."

"Yes, ma'am."  
"Good, but I done told you it's 'Ma'. First door on th' left at th' top of th' stairs. Jus' 'ave him drink this bottle. He can't seem ta shake this damp lung, I'm 'fraid." And with that she turned and left, tears in her eyes.

"So yer Jayne's mystery girl." A hoarse voice called to her when she stepped into the room. The figure on the bed was worse for the wear. "Don't looks so su-prised. There're plenty things a man'll tell his brother an' keep from his Ma." Matty had obviously been a large man before the sickness and it appeared that he shared Jayne's father. Same stubborn chin, same hulking build, though she suspected he was somewhat thinner and shorter than her man. "Don't worry though. All th' stuff he tol' me were good. Jayne thinks very highly of ya."

"He should." She remarked, completely serious as she set the bottle on the nightstand. "We are engaging in sexual intercourse."

Matty burst into a strangled laugh that was somewhere between joy and pain and turned into a coughing fit halfway through. "He did warn me that ya were a bit strange, but inna good way. I reckon if anyone else called ya Crazy he'd give 'em a black eye, which is prob'bly what happened to Erinn. Boy never could keep 'is trap shut." It was obvious that Matty enjoyed human interaction and while River knew he would get along much better with someone of social grace like Inara, she tried her best.

"Yes. Jayne often fells the overwhelming need to prove his masculinity by resorting to physical violence in any given situation." Matty had begun to give her the "you're Crazy" look, so she clarified. "He likes to pick fights."

"Yah, sure does." The man replied.

"What illness has confined you to this bed?"

"Damp lung. Can't seem tah shake it. Ma swears it's the worst she's e'er seen. Had it fer near three an' a half weeks now." He could've kept talking but River was shaking her head.

"Time parameters do not match diagnosis. Given the obvious symptoms and approximate lunar changes." Her glazed eyes suddenly took on a determined look. "Have you been extremely cold lately?"

"Nah, this go se moon's hot as hell."

"Cold water perhaps?"

"Nah…wait. Yeah, one a the little 'uns was drownin' a few weeks ago in a stream from th' mountains. Jumped in ta save 'em."

"You have pneumonia."

"New-moan-ee-what?"

"Pneumonia. Illness similar to damp lung but takes longer to heal. Was common on Earth-that-Was but a few strains still exist." She snatched up the bottle of medicine as he reached for it, racing to the door and holding it up.

"You don't need this."

And then she was gone.

…

**A/N: Kind of a weird place to end it, I know. What can I say? My muse is not being cooperative. It apparently wants this entire story to be one REALLY long chapter. Grr. Anyways, hope you enjoyed!**

**I decided to give you the Chinese translations this time!**

**Chinese:**

**Feng leh: loopy in the head, crazy**

**Wo de ma: Mother of God**

**Guay: hell**

**Gorram: goddamn**

**Bao bei: sweetheart**

**Zhu fu ni: Blessing on you**


	7. Can't

**A/N: Okay, I'm really sorry about the wait on this one guys. I kind of got in over my head with the whole Matty-damp lung-pneumonia thing. Web MD has my eternal gratitude. That said, if there are any mistakes with the info, I completely and fully blame Web MD for feeding me false data. Hope you guys enjoy this little tidbit!**

**P.S. I'm working on a Castle/Firefly Crossover fic, so after I get this story done, keep a look out for that one!**

**Disclaimer: I was going to write some cute little rhyming sing-song thing for the disclaimer, and then I realized I am not Joss Whedon and I can't write songs for crap.**

…

**Chapter 7: Can't**

Being back home made him remember why he lifted weights every day for years. Even with all that training, his arms ached from the strain of cattle ranching, wrestling chickens, carrying bales of hay, and doing just about a dozen other chores. All he wanted was some of Ma's cooking and a warm bed with a warm little Crazy girl next to him, but before he could even say 'Ma wha's fer dinner?' the girl was in front of him. "Jayne, I require immediate transportation to this planet's emergency medical facilities."

He was too tired. "Huh?"

She sighed, clearly excited and eager, but slowing her brain for him in a way that didn't make him feel like an idiot. "I saw a medical supply shop in town. I assume that is where Mary Cobb found this," she held up the bottle of medicine Ma had given her for his brother. "Matty needs something else. Please take me there."

"Whaddya mean he needs somethin' else?"

"He doesn't have damp lung."

"Wha'?"

"He has pneumonia. Similar symptoms, but a longer duration time. He requires different medication."

"New-moan-i-what?"

River sighed again, but a smile played at the corner of her lips as she muttered, "Apples don't fall far from each other." She continued in a fast pace, yet monotone voice, as if she was reading from an dictionary on the Cortex or something. "Pneumonia. Infection of the lungs caused by a bacteria that enters the body during a common sickness such as the flu or a cold when the immune system is compromised. Produces common damp lung symptoms such as sneezing, coughing, chest pain, bloody mucus, elevated heart rate, shortness of breath, fever and other indicators."

"Can ya fix it?"

"Affirmative."

"Le's go!"

F.I.R.E.F.L.Y.

"What're ya givin' him?" Lily whispered from where she was seated at the foot of the bed. Matty was unconscious, fever bringing a glistening sweat to his forehead. "He's been coughin' up blood agen. Ya can see it on th' tissues. 'Re ya sure ya can heal 'im?"

"Not a pansy-ass Core doc, as Jayne so lovingly puts it, but I did start fixing his spelling when I was three. That should earn points in my favor." She knew that behind her, Lily was staring at the back of her head, trying to make sense of her words.

A familiar voice explained from the doorway, "She means tha' just cause she didn' train at ah fancy Core school, doesn' mean she doesn' know 'er stuff. Matty's gonna be fine." Jayne was rewarded with a quick smile before she began ordering him about, something women in the Cobb household excelled at.

"Water. He needs lots of water. And the aspirin and cough syrup we purchased is downstairs. He'll need them soon."

"Sure, Crazy. Whatever ya say."

Lily just smiled as she watched them go back and forth.

"What?" River asked, trying not to peek at the older woman's brain droppings.

"Nuthin'. I just ain't ever seen Jayne take orders from anyone besides Ma that quickly. He didn' yell er nuthin'. Ya've got him good, girl." Lily smiled.

"Allright, Riv. Got them stuff ya asked fer. Now whaddo I do wi' it?"

"He gets two teaspoons of penicillian every 12 hours. One aspirin every 6, and coughing a dose of coughing syrus every four." She studied the man before her as he tossed in his sleep, overcome with delusional sickness. "Perhaps not an apple a day, nor what the doctor ordered. She calculated the doses to fit his natural health physique and genetic benefits."

"How long will it take?" Lily asked, perched on the bed, her eyes slightly glassy as she tried to calm her dreaming brother.

"He should have significant improvements within days." River felt the waves of relief rumbling off the siblings. It was almost too much. Tears pricked her eyes and she moved away, excusing herself and smiling when Jayne caught her arm with a questioningly concerned look.

When they were alone, Jayne settled himself on the opposite side of Matty's bed, not touching his brother as Lily was, but watching. "Where's Sophie? Did they…"

"Nah. She's jus' away fer a little while. She went tah see a doc on Kigira that might know somethin' about damp lung that th' docs here don't. Looks like I should wave 'er down, tell 'er ta come back." Lily laughed slightly, looking at Jayne. "Ta tell yah th' truth, I'm thinkin' he's gonna propose ta that girl soon."

"He'd better." Jayne's laugh made the bed creak as he rumbled. "Sophie's too good fer him, anyways. Shoulda put a ring on 'er the minute she agreed ta go steady wi' 'im."

"And did ya do that wi' River?"

"Lils, its different. We can't."

"Can't or won't?"

Jayne thought for a minute. His face went more serious than Lily thought she had ever seen it, except for the day their Da died. She hadn't seen him get this thoughtful, this devoted to a girl, ever. River had changed him, whether he knew it or not.

"Can't."

F.I.R.E.F.L.Y.

By the time Serenity landed on Iaceli a few days later, three days behind schedule, Matty was up and running again. Or at least hobbling. Almost the whole family, all 10 or so kids that could be spared from their work, went out to meet the Firefly-class vessel and her crew, but when the doors opened, all they saw was a flash of blonde hair nearly tackle Matty as the surprise passenger barreled into him.

Sophie had tears running down her cheeks as she checked over her boyfriend, hugging him tight. "Oh, god, Matty! You're up!"

"Yah, up an' runnin'. Thanks ta the little she-doc here." He pointed to where River was carefully situated as far from Jayne as she could possibly get, perched on a boulder behind the gang of Cobbs, inspecting her nails.

Sophie tackled her next.

"Thank ya so much. Ya can't even understand." River just beamed.

"You're welcome."

"Mal?" Jayne questioned as the Captain walked off his ship a few moments after Matty's girl, followed quickly by Zoё and the Doc.

Mal shrugged . "We found 'er on the docks in Kigira, lookin' fer a lift. Said we were goin' ta meet th' Cobbs an' we'd give her a ride." He leant in a little closer and lowered his voice. "Cried the whole gorram way here."

"Mal!" Inara's annoyed voice rang from behind the two men and Mal felt a sharp pain where her hand connected with his head. A few months ago it wouldn't have bothered him, but she had that crazy pregnancy strength now…

"Yes, 'Nara?" Mal asked good-naturedly, trying to appease her while keeping a weary eye on both her hands.

"Stop talking and make introductions."

Jayne ducked out from behind the Captain. "Sorry, 'Nara, that's my fault. This here's mah Ma, mah sisters: Lily, Tommi, Andi, Nina, Kara, Jasmine, an' May. An' mah brothers: Erinn an' Matty. There are a few more at the house."

"A few?" Inara asked, eyebrows raised.

"Yeh. Sixteen of us total. Anyways, Ma, this is the Cap'n."

"Malcolm Reynolds." He stuck out his hand like the proud soldier he once was.

"Yeh, yeh, yeh." Jayne rolled his eyes. "An' this here's Inara. Who knows where the gorram doc went."

"I'm right here, Jayne." Simon called, not removing his eyes from his sister as he checked her for injuries.

Jayne rolled his eyes again. "The gorram Crazy girl is fine, doc. We ain't animals."

"Says the man who tried to turn her in." Simon replied, his voice sarcastic.

"Wha' can ah say doc," Jayne shrugged, ignoring the glare his mother was giving him at this new piece of news. "She stabbed me."

Mary Cobb actually gasped.

"She was jus' tryin' ta show us how good yah look in red." A sweet female voice laughed from the dark of the ship. Kaylees body emerged from the shadows, slightly wobbling but otherwise normally grease-stained and in her favorite coveralls. They subtley displayed her baby bump.

Simon rushed right over.

"Bao bei, you should be lying down."

"Relax." She patted his neck and smiled sweetly at him. "The baby's not comin' fer another four or five months. We got time."

"Well," Mary Cobb laughed, giving her son a sharp look. "Y'all been busy since th' last time my boy wrote, haven't ya?"

…

**A/N: So I don't really think it's my best work, but I can't really figure out what's wrong with it. Advice?**

**And yes, Sophie was completely inspired by the Mamma Mia movie. (Disclaimer: I don't own that either, sadly. I have nothing.)**


	8. The Truths Come Out

**Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, you are amazing. I love you.**

**A/N: I'm really sorry this one took so long, guys. Me and my folks were all caught up trying to move my sister into her new dorm room, and I'm a really good procrastinator. I hope this part doesn't go too fast, but I'm not quite sure if my spacing's spot on. I tried. I still don't have a beta reader so all faults are my own. Hope you guys enjoy! Sorry it's so short, but we're gearing down here.**

_Chapter 8:The Truths Come Out_

* * *

As soon as Serenity was out of atmo and secured on autopilot, River retreated to her room. She was having trouble thinking, feeling, making sense. Felt sick. She kept replaying the scene in her mind.

_Matty was standing for the first time in a month. Sophie and Ma were crying, Lilly was hovering around him, Erinn and Jayne were just standing there, staring._

_River huddled in the next room, torn between the happiness, the relief, the serenity, and too many voices in her head. Jayne staggered into the room, sliding down to sit beside on the wall. River started counting in her head._

_He didn't talk for 347 seconds._

"_I love you."_

* * *

Where had that gorram come from?Jayne asked himself, holed away in his own bunk. So maybe it was true, maybe he'd been thinking it for a gorram while. Maybe he'd wanted to say it, but couldn't, shouldn't, wouldn't.

Maybe she felt it too.

Maybe.

Course he didn't know. She hadn't said anything, not one word to him since then. She had just stared at him, mouth open in shock. He did chuckle a little at that, thinking back on it. He'd surprised the Crazy Moonbrain Reader. Not many people could do that.

And then he had run. Run out of the room, out of the house, just kept running. He ran to the lake, plunging in and holding his breath in the cold water until his lungs couldn't take it anymore.

He didn't even see her again until Serenity docked on Iaceli and even then she'd just ignored him.

* * *

"Jayne!" Mal shouted from outside his bunk. "Case yah fergot when yah were visitin' yer family, we have dinner together! Get yer pi gu up here."

"This oughta be fun." Jayne sarcastically said to himself as he peeled himself off his bed.

As he entered the kitchen, everybody else was already seated.

"Mei mei," Simon was saying, basically trying to force-feed River. "You have got to eat something."

"No. She feels sick." It took everything Jayne had not to correct her third person speech. He slopped food onto his place from the counter in the kitchen, keeping his head down, eyes off the table. He had protein of just about every color.

"River, I tested you for every illness I can. There's nothing wrong with you. You need to eat something."

"She's not sick, Simon." River replied. "Just feels sick."

"Wait, mei mei," Simon halted. "Do you know what's wrong with you?"

"Nothing wrong, boob."

"Then why are you so sick?" Simon insisted. Jayne began to walk towards the table, keeping an ear on the conversation but his eyes down.

River sighed, pondering her food in disgust. "Not sick, Simon!"

"Then what?"

"I've got another voice in me."

"What?"

"Another voice." She emphasized. "A second being. A new life."

"What?" Simon repeated.

She split her answer almost into two words, giving him her trademark _you're-such-a-boob_. "Preg-nant."

Zoё halted, not moving not breathing.

Kaylee started crying. Hormones.

Inara just looked back and forth between Mal, Simon and River. She'd suspected _something_ had been going on with her newest mei-mei for a few months, but she hadn't known _this._

Mal choked, gagging and coughing until he turned blue.

Simon opened his mouth and shut it, again and again, not breathing.

River just continued to stare at the food.

There was a loud thud as Jayne's head hit the floor and he fainted.

"She truly hopes her child does not share her father's biological affinity for fainting spells."

* * *

He woke up only three minutes later. No one had moved. Well, besides River, who had carefully put a bite of purplish protein into her mouth and spitting it out.

"Pregnant?" Jayne asked from the floor, holding his head.

"That's what she said." River replied, studying her food. He didn't even have to ask. He knew it was his.

Before anyone else knew what was happening, Jayne was on his feet and next to the Moonbrain.

"Pregnant, bao bei, really?" Jayne smiled, lowering down to one knee to reach her eye level, but she still wouldn't look at him.

"Really." She whispered, and he reached to turn her face toward his.

"Will ya marry me, darlin'?"

* * *

**A/N: Psst! This isn't the end. Don't worry! Critiques and comments are welcome. (As are compliments! Hint, hint!)**


	9. The Dreaded Airlock

**Fainting Spells by HaidarEyra**

_Chapter 9: The Dreaded Airlock_

**Disclaimer: I WISH I profited from this. I owe it all to Joss!**

**A/N: I must warn you that this is the last chapter I have planned. I COULD perhaps be persuaded into an epilogue, but I'm not sold on the idea and need a second opinion. (Hint, hint!) I really want to thank everyone who reviewed or favorited or added me to their alerts. You guys kept me going and I'm sorry I didn't reply to your reviews. They made me really happy! I really hope you enjoy the ending. I loved writing it and I hope it turned out as good as it was in my head. So here goes nothing…**

Jayne wasn't quite sure what happened. Thinking back on it, he remembered…dinner. Simon trying to force River to eat. An argument. He had to remember to beat that pi gu up later for talking to his girl like that.

And then River had told them she was pregnant.

And then he'd asked her to marry him.

And then…it all went black. He remembered pain, blinding pain on the back of his skull, but that was it.

Where was he?

His head hurt like hell, and whatever he was laying on was gorram uncomfortable. Metal. Metal gridwork, like the kind in the cargo bay.

Like the kind in the airlock.

His eyes snapped open.

"Gao yang zhong de gui yang." He was in the gorram airlock.

"Thought yah might wanna take a minute tah explain somethin' tah me." Mal's voice crackled over a portable comm. unit on the floor a few feet away. "Yah wanna explain tah me how come my pilot's knocked up an' yah seem tah be the father?"

Jayne struggled to stand, fighting the sickening headache. He held the comm. unit and met Mal's eyes through the window. "Cause I am the father, Mal."

"Da-xiang bao-zha shi de la du-zi!" Mal cursed, his face stone cold. "Thought I made it clear that I wouldn' stand fer anyone takin' advantage of the women on my boat. Somethin' about that fact yah missed, Jayne?"

"Didn' take advantage, Mal! What kinda hun dan d'ya think I am?"

"The kind who would impregnate a 23 year old girl whose judgment is clearly faulted." A new voice said from behind Mal, and Simon appeared in the window, eyes blazing.

"She was willin'! Jus' ask her!"

"I can't. She needed to be sedated."

"Yah sedated a pregnant woman?"

"It was perfectly safe. Unlike what you did to her."

"I didn't rape her! Who says yah get tah speak fer her anyways?"

"She's my sister!"

"And she's above the legal consentin' age. Even Core planets say 18! She ain't been 18 for three whole years!" Mal gave him a funny look. "Wha'? I ain't a piece of go se, Mal. I made sure it was legal."

None of them spoke for a minute.

"Sides, iffen I'm not mistaken, yah've both got pregnant girls somewheres on this ship, so don' even start!"

"She's my sister!" Simon repeated.

"An' yah might 's well 'ave knocked up mah sister too!" Jayne winced, not being able to stop the words before they were out of his mouth.

Simon blinked rapidly. Mal finally managed, "What?"

"Yah said it yerself, Mal, crew's family. Kaylee an' I 're from the same planet. She's been damn close tah a little sister tah me fer a long time."

Simon couldn't say anything. He just stared.

"Inara's countenance and general manner are in accordance with that of Jayne's oldest biological sibling, Lily." A voice said from behind them. River was leaning against the doorway of the infirmary, resting her weight on the doorframe as she fought the sedation.

"Mei mei—"

"Bao bei—"

Jayne and Simon started at the same time. Simon glared at Jayne, but the older man continued. "Bao bei, yah shouldn' be up. Go an' lay back down, darlin'."

River took a few labored steps. "Inara's countenance and general manner are in accordance with that of Jayne's oldest biological sibling, Lily." She repeated.

"What, 'Tross?" Mal asked, voicing the confusion written plainly on his and Simon's faces.

"She means that Inara looks like mah sister, Lily." Jayne said from behind them, sighing.

"So?"

"Crew's family, Mal. Yah knocked up Inara, might as well 'ave knocked up Lily. Feels the same."

For perhaps the first time in his life, Mal was speechless.

"That doesn't give you the right to take advantage of my sister!" Simon finally exploded, emphasizing the 'my sister' part.

"Didn't take advantage, Simon. I consented, insisted, in fact. It wasn't the ravaging you imagine. He courted me. Gave gifts, ate dinner, made happy."

She paused.

"Made love."

"What are you saying, River?" Simon squeaked desperately.

"I'm saying," she reached the window, looking into Jayne's eyes. "I love you, Jayne Cobb. I couldn't say it before, but I do. And I will marry you."

The airlock opened. They all turned.

"Something wrong, sir?" Zoё asked from the stairs above the controls. One hand was still on the button, the other held a gun pointed directly at Mal. Four pairs of eyes watched as she grabbed another gun and pointed it at Simon. "Something wrong, Simon?"

Mal caved first. "No, Zoё, I reckon we're done here." He began to walk away.

"W—u—Mal!" Simon called after him.

"Jayne's right," Mal said, slowly turning to meet the Doc's eyes. "This crew's family. Yah don't get special treatment just cause yah share blood. She says he didn' take advantage, and I'm like to believe her."

"Oh, and Jayne?" Mal called, right before he left the room. "Yah hurt my pilot or that kid? I will space you."

"Same tah you, Mal." Jayne answered, smiling slightly as he referenced Inara and their unborn child.

"Fine!" Simon screamed, throwing his hands up in the air and stomping out of the room.

River sighed. "Kaylee will talk sense and sunshine into him. He will be fine."

"Shiny." Jayne answered, "And Zoё? Thanks."

Only when they were alone did he allow himself to wrap his arms around her, holding her as close as he possibly could.

"We're gonna have a baby." It was halfway between a question and a statement.

River pulled back to smile up at him. "Two, actually." Jayne looked confused. "The man-with-the-girl's-name's superior sperm has produced twins."

He smiled, tears gathering in his eyes and crushing her to him.

…

…

He pulled back suddenly. "Does this mean no sex fer nine months?"

"Jian ta-de gui." River replied, jumping up to wrap her legs around his waist. He caught her gently, pulling her in for a kiss and smiling lecherously. "Hell no."

To no one in particular, he announced.

"We'll be in our bunk."


End file.
